What's my age again?

Hi o/

I do have to apologize, but I  have to get a bit personal today.

Sadly, there won't be any update about any completed missions this week or a new part of the questionnaire. I'm about to complete another thing tomorrow which I've been thinking the entire week. It is the day before my brthday. Not just any one, I'll be turning 30 tomorrow.

"Come on, it's just a number!", you might be thinking. And yes, you're right. But it still made me rethink my life. Most people, I think at least 2/3 of the people I went to school with are already married and/or have kids. And I constantly get the "When do you want to marry and get kids?". To be honest, it will ost likely never gonna happen. I'd be the worst parent you could ever imagine but seeing how some other parents are treating their children...okay, I might not be the worst, but definitely not the best either.

Where am I now? Not only do I turn 30 tomorrow, it's also been exactly 10 years since I graduated. As far as I know, I 'm the only who didn't complete his studies. Didn't complete as in didn't succeed. Back then, I have been way to young and unprepared. I wanted to flee from that unpleasant youth I had. The further, the better. So I studied in a town 5 hours away from home. I knew no one and soon started to feel all alone. I also didn't get quite along with some of my fellow students and went to university less and less until I stayed in my apartment for the whole time. I didn't want to admit that I failed and went through some more time until I finally received the letter that I've been exmatriculated for not showing up to the exams.

At that point, getting kicked out of university was one a minor problem. I've already reached the state of depression. It wasn't about IF I was gonna commit suicide but HOW. Just like 10 years prior to that. It's like a constantly repeating cycle. After my failed studies, I moved back home and shortly before turning 30, I'm still living with my parents. Not because I'd be too lazy (it is kinda convenient) but I'm afraid that I would feel alone and slowly drifting into depression again. I sometimes think bad thoughts can be the same as what alcohol is to former alcoholics. Once you give into them, you'll fall into an unstable state of mind.

Even though I didn't succed in earning a degree, I'm now having a decent job with enough money to live a worry-free life. But the threat of depression is unknowingly filling out almost my entire day. Because of what I had to deal with almost my entire life, I developed some kind of paranoia. It's gotten better but I sometimes still feel like people on the streets are looking at me and think what a failure I am. I know they don't know me or have met me before, I they know how pathetic I am. I try to not let it get into my mind but I can't stop it completely. That's why I don't get out too often. Most of the time, I spend my time off at home, alone in my room. Fantasizing a better life.

The initial thought of this whole project here was to overcome my fears but I haven't achieved shit. I have to admit, it's getting better day after day but I still am more or less the same old guy. even older tomorrow...

Because of spending most of my time home alone, I don't have to many friends. As I said above, most are already having a family of their own. Whereas I'm sitting here, writing about how much of a failure I am. And that is my biggest fear. Turning 60, 70 or 150 and still be al alone. My family will be long dead then, no firends, nothing. One of our neighbours is living a life like that. He's in his mid-fifties, no wife, no kids, no family. Former alcoholic and since 2 weeks, he's unemployed. He also spends all his time alone in his apartment and it fells like that will be my future.

I don't know how others are making friends. Whenever one of my few friends drags me along to parties, I'm the one standing in the corner, of course alone. I know I'm good-looking enough that others would come and talk to me. It even happened to me on the subway that othes prefer to stand the entire ride then sitting next to me. My group of friends already crumbled to 2 or 3, counting only those within the range of being able to see more often. There are other further away, I hope I have the right ot call friends. But it like Johnny cash sang, "Everyone goes away in the end."

No clue of what lies ahead of me or if anything will change after turning 30. I just know that the fear of ending up all alone won't be getting smaller....


And I have to apologize again for getting this personal and maybe a bit boring. I'll try to make it up and arrive with better and more exciting news next week.

Until then, bye o/